Soul searching
If you are a regular reader of Tights and Tiaras (and know that i love you!), you have probably noticed it is has been quiet around here for a while now. I know I’m letting you guys down, and I’m sorry. The list of reasons is long. I promise, I won’t rant, I won’t excuse myself further or complain, but allow me to explain a little.
The meniscus is the “bumper” in the knee softening the pressure between the tibia and the femur bone when moving.
It all started when I in December suffered an injury to my knee during a performance. A bad landing, a stabbing pain, and there I was. My right meniscus had given up, was shattered to pieces, and parts of it needed to be surgically removed. A light injury, the doctor said, “you’ll be back on your legs in a couple of weeks”. I wish it would have been so. A couple of weeks later my knee was swollen and stiff, and the results of the physiotherapy still had to present themselves. It wasn’t the doc’s fault, though, the surgery went well and all – my knee just turned out to be in worse shape than what they thought in advance.
Fast forward two months. My leg is developing (and developpé’ing 
), I’m doing classes, jumping even. Training with a therapist daily, strengthening, swimming, eating all sorts of pills. Pills for the pain, pills for the cartilage, pills for the swelling… I wasn’t eating pills for my mood, but after a big set-back in the beginning of March, I might have needed some. The knee started hurting again, but now differently. The jumps I had been able to perform a week earlier now felt like someone put an axe to my patella, and mentally, I was loosing it – set-backs are horrible.
My boss, the director of the ballet company, didn’t exactly help to soothe my mood, either. By mid March, he told me he is unable to prolong my contract for the next season, and that I would need to find a new job to continue dancing. The audition “season” for dancers is from about christmas to approximately the end of February, I was late already, and my knee is nowhere ready for the stress a series of auditions produce.
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I have been through rounds and rounds in my head the last months, weighing my options, searching my feelings. I’ve been up and down, optimistic and on the edge of breakdown. Smiled, and cried – I did, I’ve cried at several occasions – not a typical thing for me to do, it’s been years since I last cried. The ballet studio has been the one set point in my life for as long as I remember. But all dancers know the time will come when things will change, and I think my time might be closing in. But it’s not because of the injury, nor the situation it has put me in. These are all things that easily can be fixed. Injuries heal (however slowly…), and there’s always auditions. The question is, can I still go at it with the same energy? Do I still have the fire, the urge I need to keep ‘breaking in’ my body daily, mentally prepare to present myself as good as I possibly can, shape a role, a feeling, a movement?! Can I keep making the sacrifices, knowing the scale never really ‘equals out’? I’m afraid I might not. I will write more about this, dear readers, explain to you, and perhaps, myself, what I mean behind these somewhat abstract words, but I wanted to tell you all, I haven’t forgotten about you. It’s hard to keep writing blog posts when your life is so drastically changing at the same time. I didn’t want to keep presenting you “factual” posts without any personal substance, but I couldn’t get myself to formulate my feelings into words, either. One need to identify feelings before it’s possible to write about them, and that’s been a hard process.
But don’t worry, this doesn’t mean I’m leaving the blog, or dance, for that matter. I’m just adapting. Broadening my perspectives. If you stay with me, I’ll take you guys with me on the road – it’s amazing, what opportunities opens ahead once the ostrich pulls his head out of the sand. Thank you for your patience, dear readers. Thank you for your loyalty, your comments and your support. I don’t think you realize what a support it actually is.
Until next time, keep dancing! Keep expressing yourselves, keep enjoying yourselves. Keep dancing. I will as well!
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Ta-Ta!
H
